the rest is still uncolored

On New Year's Eve, we had a great time with my brother- and sister-in-law. We had good food and wine to go with a hilarious round of the Pie in Your Face game. It was low-key, and that’s exactly what I wanted. 

I caught myself in a lie a couple of times over the last week. When asked what we were doing for New Year’s, I’d act sad, say we were staying in, and suggest that it was because of the kids. The truth of it is that staying in is the only thing I ever want to do on the last night of the year. I also had no intentions of staying up until midnight. Sleep is just too precious these days. 2017 was coming whether I was there at the moment to welcome it or not. So, we had a great time and spent the day yesterday close to home playing, cooking, coloring, and cleaning up.

The girls got a ton of new art supplies this Christmas—which I love. New factory-sharp colors and crisp, clean paper sparks the “anything is possible” kind of feeling for me.

Checking in on them coloring in Linc's new coloring book sparked a thought about my 2017 goals. Some of my pages have outlines waiting to be colored in in 2017. Others are thankfully blank.

With that in mind, I’m looking forward to a year with more color and creativity- and coffee. I'm off to pour another cup...

Love Warrior, Special Book Report post

Over the weekend, I read funny mom Glennon Doyle Melton’s book, Love Warrior. I loved the Carry On, Warrior about motherhood and looked forward to her follow-up about marriage. I’m a married mom myself. As a casual fan, I had only the most general awareness going in about Glennon’s marriage- the infidelity, the separation, the reconciliation, and post-publish announcement that she and her husband Craig are re-separating.

I don’t just suspect that many other seemingly pulled-together people are struggling in their marriages. I know it from conversations with friends and the fact that hundreds of thousands of women like me preordered Love Warrior. Glennon’s book was a chance to get a deep, long look into another marriage while not feeling the need to be politely reassuring. It was also a chance to feel a little less alone.

I started it late last week on the day it came out and finished it over the weekend. I read every last word and some twice. I’m glad I did but am I’m feeling conflicted.

First, it’s hundreds of pages of Glennon’s “me, me, me”- which, I suppose, is the point of a me-moir. At times, though, it’s a bit much. I couldn’t help wondering what it’s like to be one of her close, personal friends. Is it as exhausting as it seems? And, her sister, oh my. God bless this woman. Glennon’s sister is some kind of emotional endurance athlete. She’s supported her for years throughout what is amounts to a daily 100-mile introspective race through Death Valley.

What’s more is that Glennon explains her binging and boozing as behaviors driven by the deep-seeded fears of a hyper-sensitive soul. On one hand, it makes sense but on the other comes across as a bit of a post-game analysis and rationalization. I made some bad choices too. Looking back today, they still just seem like bad choices driven by yes, fear, but also immaturity, inadequate life skills, and a limited perspective on the world.

I also feel conflicted because I’m not sure what to do next. I finished it with more questions than answers. Questions like:

• Is everything “good” now? Is this kind of comeback from rock bottom a one and done- or two and done, in Glennon’s case. It would seem that counting Oprah as a new friend would make life pretty damn good from here on out.
• Is there ever a time that you can just relax and live or must we always stay on treadmill of greater self-discovery?
• How too can I have a personal breakthrough filled with wisdom-growing epiphanies? Is binging and boozing to extreme a prerequisite? I fall short in this regard.
• Should I manufacture a crisis with my husband or just start digging and assume one is buried somewhere in my marriage? If, in fact, a crisis is necessary, where can I sign up for a relatively short and easy one? It seems time-consuming right when I don’t need another “to-do” on my list.

Though questions are swirling, there were a couple of important take-aways.

1. You see what you expect to see. It’s true of your husband and everything else. What you believe about their intentions can be a misleading, often painful filter from which to view their actions in your marriage. Instead, see others as flawed people who are doing the best they can with what they know.
2. Anyone who suggests they know God’s direction for you better than you know yourself should be promptly ignored. And if you still reserve your conversations with God for an hour or two on Sunday, you’re missing a much greater opportunity.
3. You can share your story without sharing someone else’s. Glennon is a skilled and thoughtful writer who carefully and generously tells her side without presumptively sharing any of Craig’s. It’s noteworthy that this serial philanderer emerges as one of the most endearing and sympathetic characters in the story.
4. You gain balance in yoga which is good for your tree pose and other stuff.
5. Breathing in a group apparently can make you feel like you’re floating in fluffy cloud of forgiveness. As lovely as this sounds, you’re it also makes you vulnerable to smelling other people’s bad breath. I must not be that bad off because I’m not willing to risk it.
6. And lots of other great stuff.

When I reached the last page, I was sorry for the book to end. To me, this is a sign of something well worth reading- even through the tedious parts. I admire and appreciate Glennon’s courage and look forward to reading it again someday.

Happy 4th!

Marin came downstairs yesterday, pausing for a second on each riser as she does when she’s just waking up. I’m on my computer at the bottom the stairs- I hear her step by step by step before she appears. I take a couple big sips of coffee and try to finish typing whatever thought I was trying to think.

Typically, she takes this time to figure out which episode of Wild Kratts she wants to watch first thing based on what will best suit her daily quest for superior animal knowledge. This morning was different.

The first words out of her mouth were, “Mom, on the 4th of July, are we celebrating the Earth’s birthday or America’s birthday?”

“Hi, honey. America.”

“Oh. Well then, England will be celebrating too because they speak English.”

“Actually, no. Even though we both speak English, they’re a different country than we are. They celebrate their country on a different day.” I hesitated for a second but then went on with… “In fact, July 4th is our celebration of being separate from them.”

[Blinky stare]

“A long time ago, people from England came here. Some wanted to stay and live here. After a while, they wanted to be in charge of themselves and be their own country. That’s when the presidents started.”

“Was that before dinosaurs or after?”

“Way after.”

“Was that before Jesus?”

“No, after Jesus but before Papa was alive. Do you remember hearing about George Washington, the first president? He was there.”

“Oh, yeah. George Washington. How do you get to be your own country?”

“Unfortunately, there was a fight about it.”

“Well, Jesus and Martin Luther King said that the people shouldn’t fight and we should be nice to each other.”

“Yes, it’s true about Jesus but Martin Luther King wasn’t alive yet.”

“Were you alive?”

“Nope, if Papa wasn’t alive, I definitely wasn’t alive yet.”

“Well, I didn’t get to go to your wedding because I wasn’t alive yet.”

“That’s right.”

“Ok, well. Can you get my milk? I want to watch Bubble Guppies.”

She lost interest before I even got a chance to share the ins and outs of the Brexit vote I’d learned from John Oliver.

Having a curious kid (which is to say “having a kid”) means toggling between turning to the wonders of Google and trying to impress them with my own knowledge. It’s a constant choice between finding the right answer and getting an answer that, when later proven wrong, can be reasonably blamed on someone else.

For your curious kid or just to feel smart at your barbeque later today, here are 8 fun facts about Independence Day courtesy of kidskonnect.

1. On the 4th of July, 1776, the Declaration of Independence was approved by the Continental Congress. Independence Day honors the birthday of the United States of America and the adoption of the Declaration of Independence on July 4, 1776.
2. The Declaration of Independence was actually a letter to King George that had been written on July 2 by Thomas Jefferson. It was a formal explanation of why the Continental Congress voted to declare independence from Great Britain. It was meant to justify a revolt against the British, with a list of charges against the British king.
3. The main problem is that the colonists were angry they were being taxed by the British government, and they had no vote or voice in the decisions that affected them.
4. The Declaration of Independence was signed by 56 men representing the 13 colonies. The moment the declaration was signed it marked the beginning of all-out war against the British.
5. The first signature on the Declaration of Independence was John Hancock’s. The myth is that he wrote his name large so that Kind George would be able to read it without his glasses.
6. Three U.S. presidents actually died on July 4. Two of them passed away within hours of each other on July 4, 1826: John Adams and Thomas Jefferson. These two men had been political rivals and then friends later in life. The other President was James Monroe, who died July 4, 1831. One US President, Calvin Coolidge, was born on July 4.
7. In 1870 the Congress made the 4th of July an unpaid holiday for federal employees. In 1941, Congress declared 4th of July a paid federal holiday.
8. The first public Fourth of July event at the White House occurred in 1804. The first Independence Day celebration west of the Mississippi occurred at Independence Creek and was celebrated by Lewis and Clark in 1805. Today, the 4th of July is a day of picnics and patriotic parades, a night of concerts and fireworks, and a reason to fly the American flag.

Oh, Orlando

On the way back from dropping the kids off at daycare this morning, I listened to the news. I’d read about the shootings in Orlando yesterday but hearing it spoken out loud stirred up the feelings that have become too familiar: fear, anger, frustration, confusion, and amazement. I then set off to run on the trail near my house as I do nearly every morning. It’s a gorgeous day here but that didn’t stop the emotional swirl. The fear, anger, frustration, confusion, and amazement took my breath away. I stopped twice to gasp for air.

It’s been barely more than 24 hours and the voices on social media—including bloggers I enjoy and respect—are advising us all to stuff these emotions down. They reason that the hateful want us to be afraid and we shouldn’t give them what they want. They further reason that the victims would want us to move one and so we should give them what they’d want.

I don’t know that the victims would be ready for us to move just yet. Maybe a month from now or a year from now but right at this moment, my guess is that they’re pretty pissed. They had future plans- people to marry, kids to raise, trips to take, promotions to earn. Hell, many of them probably had dry-cleaning to pick up. Their lives are left unlived.

What to do?

First, I’m going to be sad for the victims, their friends and families, and for all of us for a little while longer. I’m also thinking about some proactive steps I can take to protect myself since our lawmakers are unable and unwilling to do anything on our behalf. I’m a believer in taking personal responsibility so now is the time to walk the walk. I pulled together this list of “dos and don’ts” based on the risky behaviors of mass shooting victims in the recent past.

1. Don’t go to the movies on opening night. You can catch it when it comes out on Netflix.
2. Do demand a psychological profile of all of your kid’s teacher’s family members. Home school if the principal won’t make a switch.
3. Don’t go to your intermediate French class. It’s too early in the morning and most French people speak English anyways.
4. Do skip the office holiday potluck. You’ll be better off just eating that pan of brownies you made by yourself.
5. Actually, don’t go to work if your office may have disgruntled employees with untreated mental illnesses.
6. And, the most recent add-- Don’t get dressed up and go dancing after midnight.

Of course, doing any or all of these things won’t really protect us. The nonsensical argument about gun rights has become so twisted that we’re trampling a much bigger, more important “umbrella” right that we share which is life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. To protect the feelings of a few, we risk the lives of so many.

Can we start again with action to ban these weapons of mass destruction? This isn’t about sports and hunting so we can just skip that part of the debate altogether.

If it’s illegal to sell these weapons to ISIS cells in Syria, can we make it illegal to sell them to suspected supporters here? Can that be a starting point?

Don’t get me wrong, I’d like to immediately move from there to banning the sale to anyone with a criminal history or mental illness. I’d then like to move on to taking them off the market altogether.

If we can’t do that, can we require owners to keep them stored at a gun range? Why do people need to bring them home? I’d like to have a horse in my yard but I’m not allowed because the stink might bother my neighbors and it’d be unsafe to ride in Northern Virginia traffic.

The gun sellers typically take a pretty narrow view of their role—it’s all about the business transaction- but, I have to believe that they cross paths with people who make them nervous. Shouldn’t gun sellers speak up? If we can’t require lengthier background checks, can we require anyone who sold a gun to someone who later used it to shoot more than 4 people at a time (the FBI’s definition of a mass shooting) to spend a weekend with the victim’s family? I wonder if trying to do normal things like grocery shop and watch TV with the weight of the family’s sadness would cause the sellers see the bigger picture.

Other ideas?

No. Thank YOU.

I received an email this morning from my kids' dental office thanking me for our business and saying we were valued customers. Ha! My immediate reaction was, "No, thank YOU." The message was obviously autogenerated. No one working in that office yesterday would have naturally felt inclined to thank us for coming in yesterday.  24 hours is simply not enough time for any normal person to recover and feel "ok" about everything. It was a scene.

Now, my kids have been to the dentist a number of times and we've never had an issue. Though, yesterday was different.  My little middle decided to freak out. The chair was too slippery, the sunglasses too shady, and the puffy Angry Bird pillow used to prop up her legs was too cushy. To make things worse, the toothpaste was apparently made of poison- which is surprising given that they are after all a pediatric dental office.

After trying to rationalize and negotiate (even offering to get Grandma on the phone), I had to resort to holding her down while the lovely Miss Melody did the best she should. My otherwise agreeable daughter was screaming and writhing which, in retrospect, was nothing compared to when she started literally foaming at the mouth.  Like I said, it was a scene.

So I really do appreciate the extreme professional manners exhibited through the follow-up thank you note but it's me that owes a "thank you."

The whole exchange made me feel appreciative of those people willing to do jobs that I'd never want to do.  Voluntarily putting your fingers into a kid's mouth is too close to noodling for catfish for my taste. It also reminded me that embracing upfront all aspects of your job-- good, bad, and seriously annoying--helps level out the highs and lows of any one client interaction. Lastly, it made me thankful that we only have to do this every 6 months.

I hope you have a lovely weekend.  More news coming next week on my free ebook coming out next week.  If you're not already a subscriber to the blog, sign up to get a copy sent directly to you before the official launch day.

Thank you!

Successful working parent partnerships

Working parenthood is tough-- and can be even more challenging when you're not on the same page with your spouse. During a recent weekend away, my husband and I reflected back on what we did right and what we could have done a lot better in those first few months with 2 full-time jobs and a new baby. Here's the summary of that conversation and some thoughts on how to have the essential conversations you need for a successful working parent partnership.

far out

Absolute distance makes the reaching the goal harder. Running 26 miles is more difficult than 1. Perceived distance makes reaching the goal harder too but for a different reason.

Our perception of distance can make us believe a goal is farther out than it really is. This perceived distance can be hugely demotivating. It can prevent us from taking the first step and getting started simply because we believe it’s going be too hard to find our way or even worse-- because it's going to take too long.

Physically, mentally, emotionally moving towards something that we want but that seems really hard or not fully understood goes against our most hard-wired survival instincts.

Shortening the distance between ourselves and our goals—even by a single step-- brings sharper focus and might even spark an idea for how to take the second step. A journey of a thousand miles…. Right?

Do one scary thing today. 

worry along for the ride

With all of swirling talk of resolutions and goals, I worry. My goals are set and vision board cut and pasted. With those critical first pieces done, now I worry some that my goals aren’t big enough or that they’re too big. I worry most that this year will be just like last year. I worry that if I don’t make some magical things happen this week- or today- that any chance of reaching my goals will evaporate. That an achingly slow start out of the gate will cause me to lose interest and motivation with every call not immediately returned, with every unretweeted tweet, and every mile that isn’t faster than the last. 

There is a certain amount of cooperation from the universe needed to pull this shit off. I need clients to do certain things, readers to respond in certain ways, colleagues to step up, and people I haven’t even met yet to appear. It’s a choreographed circus. All. About. Me. Right? You see, I don’t want to be disappointed. So if everyone could just show up and play their assigned part, that’d be just awesome. Thanks.

Setting goals is energizing. It’s exciting. I enjoy suspending my skepticism for a couple of hours and allowing myself the time and space to dream. While goal-setting sparks a lot of positive feelings, two negative ones follow. Fear (that I can’t do the hard work needed to achieve them or won’t do it) and self-centeredness (me, me, me) are a part of the package.

Goal-setting dredges up old fears and gives my companion fears (those always hanging around) an invitation to speak. When I’m really reaching, I’m able to create some new ones to add to the collection. Goal-setting also amps up how much attention I’m paying to myself—to the exclusion of other people and events.

Both of these conditions suck mightily but can be managed. First, I have to acknowledge that they’re happening and second, take action that moves me towards the positive goal.
The acknowledging part is simply noticing and (not so simply) re-scripting the dialog in my head. Recognizing a fear is easy enough but it’s not a “check the box” kind of event. I often need to remind myself on a weekly—sometimes daily- basis that those thoughts that are telling me to slow down, stop, or turn around aren’t typically helpful warnings. They’re little fears popping up that need to be acknowledged then consciously ignored or stamped out.

The taking action part is where my plan comes in. One thing I know to be true about myself is that I can work a plan. When something is written down step-by-step, I got it. I might change the steps along the way but I have a plan. For this reason, creating a simple little plan to get me started on each of my goals is critical. Without it, I can give you the probability of success right now and it’d be zero.

A note on self-centeredness: I couldn’t talk myself of anyone out there out of being self-centered. It’s who we essentially are and, alas, is the point of setting personal goals to begin with. The issue is when we set a self-centered goal that cannot be achieved without another person’s action. These goals don’t serve you in any helpful way and typically are just a setup for disappointment. An example would be me setting a goal to increase my twitter following by 100 people. It’d be nice but there isn’t anything I can personally do to make people click “follow.” I can, however, write tweets that are amusing or helpful to me and believe they will be for other with similar interests. So the goal really is about writing fun tweets and letting go of how other people respond.

I hope you did or are planning to write down goals for 2016. I believe the process is absolutely critical—though not free from its own pitfalls of fear and self-centeredness. By paying attention to what’s going on in my head, I feel better able to do the hard work needed to bring this year’s set into reality.

Welcome back!

Welcome back!?! I say that in part as a greeting and part as a little personal pep-rally.  The buying, wrapping, cooking, celebrating, honoring, remembering, and forecasting-- it's all done for 2015. I'm both a little sad and immensely grateful that "things" will be getting back to normal this week. 

How were your holidays?  Great, I hope. The Christmas part, frankly, seems like a distant memory at this point. We had the kids home for the last four days. I'm obligated to say how wonderful that was-- and it was, of course-- but it's all-consuming and has the effect of erasing my short-term memory.  What were we talking about? Oh yeah, the holidays... 

So what's true for me about the ups and downs of the holiday season is that a perfect storm is created with the over-buying, over-eating, and over-self assessing.  All of this is done just in time for New Year's Resolutions. We're all feeling pretty icky so it's no surprise that most of us spent a little time over the last couple of days coming up with a couple of goals or, at least, acknowledging that last year's resolutions are still undone so they can just be dusted off for 2016.

Goal-setting is something I look forward to each year. I have a lengthy process that includes a lot of google image searching with some Pinterest pinning breaks (for recipes and outfits totally unrelated to whatever I'm trying to accomplish.)  This year was the mostly the same. I'll be serving my existing clients in new ways and working on winning a couple of new ones along the way.  I'm really excited about that.  I'm finetuning my writing to focus on the audience most near and dear to my heart-- younger, professional women facing many of the same challenges that I did earlier in my career. So, I'm really excited about that too. I have the common ones around health, finances, and personal relationships that are really more reminders of my values instead of out-in-out goals.

There were a couple of things I found interesting and helpful this year. This blog post about writing your goals in the past tense-- as if it were a year from now-- came from my wonderful author coach, Angela Lauria.  It's an interesting way to think about it.  After I read hers, I rewrote a portion of mine and was surprised about how easily the words spilled out. And I don't know about you but I'm dying to see the pictures of her upcoming Medieval Ball wedding!

If you're still on the fence about whether or not writing goals down is for you or not, my question would be this... if nothing changed next year, would that be ok? Most everyone I know is interested in some kind of continuous improvement. I'm a big believer in personal goal-setting and this quote from Zig Ziglar sums up why..."With definite goals you release your own power, and things start happening.”  

So get after it! Your 2016 is waiting!